Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
[yawns softly]
[snoring]
[mutters] Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[grunts]
[inhales deeply] Hey.
- Hi. Morning. - Hi.
[Gus sniffles]
[grunting and sighing]
Oh, my God.
I just had the weirdest dream.
I dreamt that I killed Osama bin Laden.
And then, like, when I went to look at the body...
- it was Macaulay Culkin. - Hmm.
- What do you think that means? - I don't know.
Maybe, like, deep down, Osama bin Laden was just a scared little boy?
[both chuckle]
Or maybe he'd still be alive if he'd booby-trapped his house
à la Home Alone.
[chuckling] Right.
Yeah, if he'd just left out some Micro Machines,
SEAL Team Six would have slipped on 'em.
- Shit. - What?
- [Mickey sighs] - What's up?
Nothing. I wanted to go to a meeting this morning,
- and I already missed it. [sighs] - Oh.
[stammers] What, the sex and love addicts...
Yeah... [chuckles]
- Already fucking up. - Oh.
Well, can you go to another one? Maybe a later one or something?
Yeah, I think there's an eleven o'clock. I could go to that.
- Mmm-hmm. - [sniffs]
- I smell like BO and tacos. - What's wrong with that?
Could I take a shower here?
I don't wanna walk into a meeting smelling like this.
Oh, yeah, sure.
[stammers] You know what? Maybe, um...
Maybe I'll go get some coffees... just to let you have your space.
- Okay? - Cool.
I'll make sure to turn off that spy cam in the shower, too.
That was a little creepy. I'm sorry.
Okay.
[yawning] Oh, shit.
- Charlie, what up? - Hello, Gus.
Hey!
I'm back.
Um, there was only one towel in there.
Oh, yeah. Um, Natalie got all the others.
- You only own one towel? - Yup.
Big red. [chuckles]
So you have one towel and three half-empty bottles of shampoo?
I have very particular hair.
My mom says I look like Michael Landon.
I don't know who that is.
He's, uh, Pa? Little House on the Prairie?
- Never watched that. - Mmm.
People also tell me I look like Rachel Maddow,
which I take as a huge compliment.
I would. Can I borrow a T-shirt?
Yeah, they're in the dresser there.
Uh, top left-hand drawer.
To the right of that are sort of, like, polo shirts, and then...
If you're feeling a little cold,
you can do a sweater or sweatshirt situation.
- That's to the right. And... okay. - Found one.
Hey, perfect.
- [Mickey] All right, I gotta go. - Awesome.
So, um, when do you want to hang out again?
Um... [sighs]
I... I feel like we should...
take a pause.
Even if we're not hooking up,
I think it's better for me if I don't couple up right now.
Yeah, no. Totally. Of course.
Um... [smacks lips] So...
Sure.
Yeah, so maybe touch base in, like... a week?
A week, great. Yeah.
I was gonna say that. I was gonna say a week.
So that's perfect.
And does that mean we're, uh...
- Are we texting during that time? - [takes deep breath]
- I don't think texting is a good idea. - Mmm-hmm.
As you know, I can go a little crazy with the texting.
So let's keep that to an emergency-only situation.
Okay, yeah.
- If I get hit by a bus, I'll text you. - Yeah.
- Don't call 911. - No.
Just text me an emoji of a sad face and a hospital, and...
Great.
- [sighs] - [keys jangling]
What a night we had.
Yeah. Hey, we didn't fuck!
- Goodbye. - Okay, bye.
- See ya! - Thanks for the coffee.
Of course, yeah. Now, let me get the door for you.
- [grunts lightly] - Okay. Bye.
[sighs]
[farting]
[sighs]
[theme music playing]
[Mickey] Hi, I'm Mickey. I'm a sex and love addict.
[people in group] Hi, Mickey.
So there's this guy that I like.
I do. I like him.
Uh, and I slept at his place last night,
but we didn't do anything.
We didn't have sex.
We just talked and laughed and whatever.
Uh, the point is we didn't do anything, and I feel really good about that.
And I want to keep taking things slowly.
But...
if I'm honest with myself,
what I really wanna do is just text him right now
and try and hang out with him all day. [chuckles]
Like, uh, my neighbor is having this dinner party thing later,
and I just really, really wish I could bring him with me.
But...
I am trying to do things differently this time
and just hope that it turns out...
okay.
I don't know.
[whirring softly]
[thudding]
[whirring stops]
[Chris sing-song] There he is!
Mr. Balcony!
- Morning, Chris. How's it going? - [laughs]
- This is your shoe, I assume. - [normal] Yeah. [laughs]
- That's a good system. - I call it the "rude awakening."
- You could have just texted me. - You live right here.
What would you rather have, a text or a shoe?
Yeah, I'd take a text, too. Whatever.
How did it end up with that girl last night?
She get out of here, or did you guys... Did you hit that?
Oh, um...
I could come over so we don't have to be yelling this.
I can hear you. Did you fuck?
Uh, no, we didn't... Uh, she just spent the night.
- Oh. - Yeah. It was really a fun time.
We just talked and hung out, and it was fun.
Cool.
- What are you doing tonight? - [puffs] Absolutely nothing.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You wanna hang out?
- Get some buddies together? Go to a bar? - Yeah! Are you kidding me?
I got money from both my grandmas for my birthday.
So I'm ready to spend, baby.
Let's keep in touch. I'll see you later?
Hey, my shoe.
Oh! Yes, of course.
[Chris grunts]
- It's all right. I'll get it. - Okay.
[Chris] Hey, there's another one down there!
- Hey! How was last night? - Um...
Crazy.
I ended up spending the night at Gus' and, uh...
it's, uh...
It's a long story. How're things with Randy?
Good. We had sex three times last night.
- Wow! - Yeah.
He's actually very virile. You might not think that looking at him,
because he's a little on the heavy side,
but underneath the weight, he's in very good shape.
What are you up to tonight?
Supposed to go to Syd's for this dinner party.
- Fun. - Eh, maybe. I don't know.
It's gonna be me and three couples. I don't like being the seventh wheel.
- Do you want to come with me? - Oh, I'd love to,
but I'm gonna go see a girl from work's band play.
They do ska. Maybe you could ask Gus.
I don't think it's a good idea for me to hang out with him all the time.
Why?
'Cause I'm a sex and love addict.
Okay.
And I'm an alcoholic, which you may have already guessed.
[stammers] Right.
I want you to know that I'm not currently engaging in any of that behavior,
even the sex and love stuff.
Um...
I just... thought I should tell you.
- Wow, this is a lot to take in. Um... - Yeah. [chuckles]
Well, I want you to know that I, um...
[stutters] I'm here for you, whatever you might need.
- I'm here for you. - Thank you.
Thank you. I just...
- I thought you should know. - [sighs]
Yeah. I mean, uh...
I know this is very much about you, but can I just say...
I'm just, like... vibrating with this news.
- [chuckles] - Look at my hand! It's like...
I thought I was doing something wrong. That's why we weren't getting along.
No! No, no, no, no. This is all on me. I'm kind of a fuck-up.
This feels really good to know this.
This conversation is very freeing. [chuckles]
Um, so have you told anybody else?
Just Gus.
- So, no other female friends? - No.
Oh...
I cut up a rabbit once.
What?
When I was eight, I found a dead rabbit in the yard,
and I picked it up with a plastic bag, and then I cut it into small pieces,
and I put the pieces in a bowl in the shed.
[takes deep breath] I'm gonna get ready for Syd's now.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Great. Okay. [grunts] Stupid skirt. - Um, Mickey?
- Yeah. - The rabbit thing?
I... I wasn't eight. I was 23.
[sighs heavily] Good talk.
[rock music playing]
♪ Cool yourself You are flush red ♪
♪ Your ankles help you twist... ♪
[sighs]
♪ But oh, God damn ♪
♪ If you wanted it, you would ♪
♪ But oh, God damn ♪
♪ If you wanted it, you would ♪
♪ I will not ask anymore I cannot ask anymore ♪
[inhales sharply]
[vocalizing]
♪ I will love you like this now ♪
♪ You can recognize it later I will love you... ♪
[sing-song] Hey! There he is, Mr. Balcony!
[all laughing and talking indistinctly]
[Syd] Hey!
- I'm so glad you came. - Thank you for having me.
- [Gus] So, if on Friends... - [Chris] Mmm-hmm.
Ross references Die Hard,
that means in the Friends universe Die Hard exists as a movie.
- Right? - Right.
- Okay. - [Justin] I hear that.
So when later Bruce Willis shows up as Ross' girlfriend's dad
- on the show Friends... - Mmm-hmm.
why aren't all the friends like,
"Holy shit!
This guy looks like Bruce Willis from the movie Die Hard.
I wanna fucking kill myself from the shock!"
Gus, I think you spend a lot of time thinking about Friends.
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it.
[all chuckling]
- [Justin] I don't know. - [Wade] We don't talk about Friends.
I still don't understand. I don't know. I stopped listening.
- [all laughing] - [Gus] I'm just saying,
I wish TV shows and movies just obeyed those rules a little bit.
Why are you talking quieter? Did somebody ground you?
Are you grounded? Is your mom here?
- No, am I talking quieter? - Mama Gus!
[all laughing]
I guess I just, uh, became self-aware of how dorky this conversation is,
and I don't want anybody to overhear us, so...
Those girls can't hear you! It doesn't matter.
- Oh, we can hear you. - [men laughing]
Yeah, it's the dorkiest conversation ever.
[men laughing]
Just when you think you're gonna get out of it,
you go deeper!
Do we... do we at least sound smart? Like, do we sound like smart nerds?
- Don't get me wrong. - [Chris] No?
I am always up for talking about Friends. I've watched every episode 500 times.
Oh, I love it! Maybe you guys should come over here and join us.
You know what you're talking about.
- [woman] Oh, I know. - Make this conversation cooler!
- Cool chicks! - We're doing this?
Yeah. Okay, then.
Hey, this is, uh, Randy and Wade. This is Justin right here.
- Hi. - What up?
- This is Gus. I'm Chris! - Hello, hi.
- Hi, I'm Lauren. - 'Sup, Lauren?
- I'm Kali. - Hi!
I'm wondering, are we allowed to talk about things
other than continuity errors in our favorite '90s sitcoms?
[Justin] I think so.
I don't think we've tackled Dharma and Greg.
Oh, that's a good one.
[Kali] I always notice... I always notice stuff...
[Syd] There are companies that will come and clean out the diapers for you.
But, of course, his mom wanted me to do it myself.
- [Shaun] Why? Why would she want that? - Because she did it herself.
So, tell me if this is super obnoxious, but Harrison's about to turn one.
- Can I ask you about preschools? - [Syd] Yes, definitely. Now is the time.
- It gets cutthroat. - Yeah.
Yeah, we were filling out applications when Liz was in her third trimester.
Yeah, we were filling out forms for preschool before we met.
- [Shaun] Oh, my God. - [all laughing]
What about the Center for Early Education?
- You guys have Otis there? - That's where Otis goes.
We can't say enough good things about it. They have a garden.
- The kids grow tomatoes, cucumbers... - [Jeff] Mmm-hmm.
He's into eating salad now. Tell 'em what he said the other day.
He said, "I wanna be a kale farmer."
- [indistinct chatter] - What?
Did you hear about that police chase last night?
I was at the Springwood, and the cops showed up...
I'm so sorry. Hold on, Mickey.
What's the one where they learn at their individual paces?
- Waldorf. Waldorf. - [Liz] Waldorf.
You don't wanna go to Waldorf.
They don't want any brands or labels.
So, if your kid wears a Disney character T-shirt, they will...
- send them home. - And it's to the firing squad.
They have a little preschool firing squad.
So, we're at East Side Family School. Very progressive.
They let the kids run around barefoot. And they have chickens.
So I get to pay $20,000 a year
for my kid to run around in chicken shit and parasites?
When we were going to school, it was free. [chuckles]
- [all talking indistinctly] - [Syd] Stop.
[Liz] There are not parasites. There are Purell stations.
- [Brian] Oh, okay. - [Shaun] You guys vaccinate?
[Syd] Oh, my God. Of course. We do.
But it doesn't mean my kid's not gonna get whooping cough
because every other parent in this city is a selfish idiot.
[Liz] Can you imagine not caring and being, like,
"I'm just not gonna vaccinate my kid. Let everyone else suffer"?
This is going to blow your mind. You know what we're dealing with now? Pinworms.
- Eww. No. [laughing] - Yuck.
- Ugh. - [Syd laughing]
- [Lorna] So terrible. - Guys!
What if we played TableTopics?
Pinworms ruin... I ruin... It's ruining my life...
I don't wanna talk about pinworms.
I wanna play TableTopics. Come on, enough about the worms!
[all speaking indistinctly]
- [music playing] - Who's thirsty?
[all cheering]
So, what else keeps you up at night?
Well, Uber mostly, 'cause I do it part-time.
And club promoting. I promote all over the East Side.
- [Lauren] Oh, yeah? - Hell yeah.
- Is this a job interview? - What do you do?
- I want to know. - [Wade] I'm an editor.
What shows do you work on?
- Swamp Ghosts. - [Chris] Whoa!
- Swamp Ghosts? - Yeah. Yeah.
- I like Swamp Ghosts. - [Chris] Such a badass show.
- I'll give you an autograph later. - Okay.
- I don't have a job. - [Lauren] Oh...
I was gonna ask him.
- [all chuckle] - That's crazy.
Um, steakhouse waiter/ stuntman/entrepreneur.
- [Lauren] Whoa. - Slash, just bought a drone, so...
[chuckles]
[Randy] That's not a job. That's a hobby.
[Justin] You guys are hilarious.
Hey.
- Hey! - Hi.
- What's up? - Nothing. [chuckles]
How's it going?
- It's going all right. - Good.
So, I dunno. [stammers] What do you do?
Oh, uh, I'm an on-set teacher.
- All right. - Tutor. Yeah, yeah.
I work on the show Witchita.
Oh, my God.
- [stammers] You know it? - Yes!
- You're a fan? - Well, we love to hate-watch that show.
- Oh, cool. Cool. - Yeah.
Yeah, it's the most hate-watched show on television.
- I believe it. - Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, it's... Oh, it's the worst. - [chuckles] Yeah.
But in the best way. You know what I mean?
Thank you. Yeah.
- So, where're you from? - I'm from South Dakota.
- I'm from Michigan. - Oh...
Midwesterners...
[both] in the house. Yeah!
Midwest forever.
[both chuckle]
Hey, you know, I'm gonna go get another drink.
- Mmm-hmm. - You... you wanna come with me?
Uh, no. It's okay.
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
- You know... - Oh, no.
- one Midwesterner to another? - Yeah. No.
Uh, I'm... I'm seriously working on this one.
So, it'll be a waste of money for you to get me a drink,
'cause I'm still... I'm kind of going easy, so...
- Thank you. Thank you, though. - [indistinct chatter]
[sighs]
[chuckles] Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, what's up, man? [chuckles]
- Hey! - Hey! What's up?
- What's up? - Why you looking at your phone?
- You phone worm. [laughs] - Ah!
[chuckles] I know. I'm attached to this thing.
- Yeah. - Everything okay? [chuckles]
- Yeah, no, I'm... - Nice. You having fun?
- I'm having a good time. - Good. Me, too.
- Yeah, it's great. So much fun. - So much fun.
- So much fun. Yeah. - These girls are cool.
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
Come on, what's up? I know you.
- [chuckles] - Whatever.
I don't mean to be a baby or whatever. It's just, I don't know,
I thought this was going to be a boys' night out.
It is. Now we're talking to girls.
Right. Right, right. I just, uh...
I don't know. Doesn't this feel weird sometimes?
- What? - This kinda...
This whole thing we're doing, you know?
Aren't we past this by now?
Like, a group of guys all getting together and trying to...
- flirt and hit on girls? It's just... - Uh...
- No, that's awesome. What? [chuckles] - Yeah.
'Cause I just... I look out at this room, and I just see
a bunch of, like, giant penises and giant vaginas
just, like, dancin' around each other...
Yeah, that's beautiful, man.
Whatever. I'm having a good time.
- Yeah. - I'm having a good time.
And back to the phone.
"What possession of your partner's would you throw out if you could?"
- [Syd] Mmm. - I know what you'd say.
- Your Grateful Dead tank top. - My Grateful Dead tank top.
It's so disgusting.
Um, why do I have
a life-size Reggie Jackson in my house? I'm an adult woman.
- [both chuckling] - [Jeff] I can't keep it in the garage.
It'll get moldy. And it's valuable.
- And maybe it'll pay for Otis' college. - [chuckles] Yeah, it could pay for, like,
the subway fare up to the college one time.
All right. All right.
- How about you, Mick? - I'm not partnered up right now.
So, pass, I guess.
I'm sorry. I thought you were seeing somebody.
What about that... The little guy with the goggles?
Gus? No, we're just friends.
Oh, that's too bad. He's so sweet. He could be, like, your Jeff.
- Yeah, like the sexual dynamo? - [scoffs]
- [chuckles] - [Syd] Don't say that. He's great in bed.
I know.
Oh, you were serious?
- [laughing] Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! - [Jeff] Jesus.
- Wow. Wow. - Oh, come on. Come on.
A new question.
Um...
Ooh, okay.
If you could sleep with someone in your partner's family,
- who would it be? - [Syd] Oh!
Easy. Jeff's dad when he was 25.
What? [chuckles] Interesting.
All right. Okay, you two. Go.
- [chuckles] - Your sister.
- You'd fuck my sister? - Whoa, it's just a game.
[Shaun] You think she's prettier than me?
She's the best looking in your family.
Do you want me to pick an unattractive member of your family?
You guys are always having your own private conversations about music.
- It is so fucking pretentious. - [sighs]
- She interned at Sub Pop. - That's not a cool thing anymore!
She's a great tambourine player.
What the fuck? That's nothing to brag about.
Anybody can play the motherfucking tambourine.
That is not true. It is a difficult instrument to play.
- You don't understand... - Why don't we pick another card?
[Syd and Jeff] Another card.
No, no, no. Liz, Liz, Liz. Go, go, go.
Okay. Um...
I would fuck your cousin Annette.
- Who? - Remember at your brother's wedding?
She was dancing near us wearing a green dress.
I think she works for Alaska Airlines. Her nipple popped out.
That's not my cousin.
That's my family friend's daughter.
And she's half your age.
Okay, that's who I choose to fuck. Thank you for saying that I'm old.
I'm not saying you're old. I was saying that she was young.
Was that card even real? Are you just stirring shit?
No, what're you talking about?
- I'm checking the cards. - No. My God!
- Go ahead, check. It's real. - Brian, drop it.
- I think I know what's going on. - Why? It's a game.
- What difference does it make? - Trust me, it's not here.
Oh, my gosh. You always think that I'm the enemy.
Well, I'm looking, and I don't see anything.
This is classic bullshit. I'm sick of it.
- [Syd] It's a game. - [Liz] No, it's not.
I came to have fun. I don't wanna be fucked with.
She put it in the middle. I saw.
- Jesus Christ. The card isn't here. - [Mickey] No!
You made it up. Classic Mickey shit.
You hate us because we have families with children.
I don't hate you 'cause you have a family with kids.
You're just a little bit boring!
Oh, I'm sorry we can't be as cool as Mickey Dobbs.
You guys, stop it. Please.
So you were fucking with us?
- I mean, that's what's happening here? - Yes, I was. I made it up.
I'm sorry I tried to liven this party up a little bit
and get away from talking about the Waldorf School
and princess dresses and pinworms.
I just... can't stand it!
Sorry, I've ruined everything again. I'll just go.
What the fuck?
Wow.
- Damn. - [Jeff clears throat]
Okay, I'll go now.
"What body part are you most attracted to?"
[Liz] On myself?
- Your dad's dick. - What the... [laughing]
- I'm just trying to have fun. - [all laughing]
Who here has had a pedicure and will admit it?
- I've had one before. - Um...
- I have never had a pedicure. - [Lauren] Yesterday.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hello.
So, um, what's your problem?
- My problem? - Yeah. You, like, totally blew me off.
I'm sorry. I just...
just got a little uncomfortable when you were flirting with me...
What...
I just wanna let you know that I'm, like,
not interested in hooking up tonight.
You thought that I was flirting with you?
Well, weren't you? Obviously you were...
Go fuck yourself, okay? I have a boyfriend.
Oh. Oh?
- Okay, I didn't know that. Obviously. - Yeah.
I've spent exactly zero seconds thinking about hooking up with you.
Wait, so, like, why were you even talking to me this whole time?
Because I'm friendly. And I find human nature interesting.
- Uh-huh. Okay. - [mocking Gus] Uh-huh. Okay.
[normal] I'm not gonna stay home because my boyfriend's out of town.
All right. Well, I obviously misjudged this whole situation tonight,
so, I'm just... I'm the wrong one.
- So I'm gonna get outta here. - Oh.
- Yeah? You're walking away? - Yeah.
Oh, walk away, big guy.
- Tough guy. - Okay, look.
I am obviously sorry for the...
Holy shit. That's Michael Landon.
I know that's not significant for you,
but for me, that's so fucking crazy that I'm seeing Michael Landon right now.
You're an asshole.
Don't leave. Where're you going?
Hey, let me buy you a drink. Whatever you want, I got it.
- Hey, man, you okay? - Yeah.
I was just taking a picture of Michael Landon.
- Who? - Michael Landon.
I don't think I'm in the right headspace for this, so I'm gonna get outta here.
Come on. I wanted to have fun tonight.
I know and I love that about you, Chris. Seriously.
You're the best, man.
- But I'm gonna get outta here. - All right.
- I'll see you around? - Okay.
Okay. I'll see you guys around.
- Nice to meet you. Bye! - [Chris] Later.
Whatever.
[rock music playing]
[cell phone chimes]
[chuckles]
♪ When my body won't hold me anymore ♪
♪ And it finally lets me free ♪
♪ Will I be ready? ♪
[cell phone chimes]
♪ When my feet won't ♪
♪ Walk another mile ♪
♪ And my lips give Their last kiss goodbye ♪
♪ Will my hands be steady... ♪
[cell phone chimes]
♪ My hopes and my doubts ♪
♪ The rings on my fingers And the keys to my house ♪
♪ With no ♪
♪ Hard feelings ♪
♪ When the sun hangs low in the west ♪
♪ And the line in my chest Won't be kept ♪
♪ Held at bay any longer ♪
♪ When the jealousy fades away... ♪
[cell phone chimes]
♪ For cash and lust... ♪
[sighs]
♪ And love in thought ♪
♪ Love in the words ♪
♪ Love in the songs they sing In the church ♪
♪ And no hard feelings ♪
[indistinct]
♪ Much good for anyone ♪
♪ Kept me afraid and cold ♪
- Yeah. - You didn't ask that question.
- I know. - That's a bad...
[both talking indistinctly]
You're gonna get a thank you card from her...
- [chuckles] - saying, "Thank you for livening up..."
♪ Lord knows they haven't done ♪
♪ Much good for anyone ♪
♪ Kept me afraid and cold ♪
♪ With so much to have and hold ♪
♪ Under the curving sky ♪
♪ I'm finally learning why ♪
♪ It matters for me and you ♪
♪ To say it and mean it too ♪
♪ For life and its loveliness ♪
♪ And all of its ugliness ♪
♪ Good as it's been to me ♪
♪ I have no enemies ♪
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com